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2003-01-23 - 9:31 a.m.

this is it. my last entry in the US of A for a while. thank you for being a part of my story so far. i am numb with excitement and fear. for you, my wonderful northpoledancer, i don't really know why i am going. but i will give you some guesses. besides the desire to explore such a mystical place that i have always felt connected to, i am probably going for more survival-based reasons. if i didn't change my life dramatically soon, i would have lept from a cliff. i guess i am anyway. whatever formula of my dysfunctional youth produced a quite tortured beast. my parents are truly good people. they may have been more fucked up then me. but, i was not given basic internal security. that was their only job. i walked away from the wreckage of childhood with severe insecurity and fear. the fear infected every aspect of my personality. my self worth, my belonging, my identity. i tried to raise myself the best i knew how. i identified in the world with what i saw to be love, safety. my definitions of beauty defining worth were/are distorted and dangerous and led me to a place of total mind/body/soul s e p a r a t i o n. all my survival skills pulled those components of self further and further apart until i became the perfection of contradiction. perfection.

enlightenment is the true union of mindbodysoul.

i am going to china to shift my rhythms so dramatically that the wise old man in me, who has loyally traveled 30 years with me thus far, that this sage can help me bring these pieces together. i was designed for bliss. it is time i understood how to let go and come together.

i hope that expains a little. i'm sure a will learn in a way i never new existed. thank goddess.

< yeah >