|2003-01-30 - 11:57 a.m.
wow. this is turning out to be almost as hard as i imagined. i am in foshan which is four hours west of hong kong. i never intended to start in a canton region and now i know why. i am incapacitated by my inability to communicate. i hate being this dependent and yet i manage to get my needs met. as much as i want to spew all of the romanticism, i am suffocating in the pollution. i have been coughing up green since the day after i arrived and i am unwilling to adjust to that. of course i am crushing hard on my host. he is cocky and has an enormous sense of entitlement here and yet i am nuts about him. he is clever and sexy. he is fearless with his executions. when i leave the house each morning, i am swimming in a sea of people, trucks, entire families on one moped with NO TRAFFIC rules. i have not seen any other foreigners all week. i am gawked at by EVERYONE from dusk til dawn. at first, it was ok. but taking on that much energy uninvited is overwhelming. i am excited to have started here. i know i can hack it. easily. and there is beauty if you seek it out. i taught three kindergardners an english class. i went to dan's gong fu school and watched him practice the lion dance for spring festival new year's celebration starting now and lasting ten days. that was amazing. even on ten-story buildings, the scaffolding is bamboo. holy shit. i will stay here until the end of february when i will brave the winter up north in beijing. with mandarin. and cleaner air. ironic to go from an oxygen bar to an exhaust pipe.
i am happy though. it is hard to be experiencing yourself in such a new place without being happy. motion has always equaled peace. i have so much work to do on this experience and yet if i do nothing, it will happen the same. i miss everything and nothing. i miss you so.