|2003-02-20 - 5:50 p.m.
this movie, she turns to him and asks how much do you love me? he replies i can't just answer that. it's complicated. she says, you should be able to. you should throw your arms as wide as you can and say, i love you this much. i am watching and then remembering and the image suddenly floods in...sebastiaan and i are lying in bed in amsterdam. it is early morning, a couple of days before the wedding and he says how much do you love me? and i pinch my tiny fingers together and say, i love you this much, he begins a playful frown. ...from the outside of this finger, around the whole world and back. that is the way to love.
everything last night triggered a strange thread of nostalgia. my ex-husband, my mother, my past. everything painful. everything beautiful. and in one microscopic moment, it is the saddest story i've ever heard. and in the next microscopic moment, it is the sweetest nectar ever licked off of your chin. i am weepy. what am i doing for the evolution of humandkind. i am not genius, nor scientist. i am not channeling divine chords through song and pulse. i am nurturing lovers and passion paths. i am excavating and deconstructing poisonous palaces that house my awake. to be, or to be something, maybe that is the next question. i am no prince of denmark nor princess of guilder. i am great at nothing but good to everyone. i hunt and hurt and lay sleepless before the noise of braided exclamation points now tangled in question marks. grease them with your pleas for yes and know and everything i still can't see. i was the leader of an army moving fluidly under woven steel. i was riding bareback, my thighs warm and clenching my glory, my stride. i have killed many beautiful things. your beautiful things. i have guilded the very iron i used to tear through your frontier. secret stashes of healers and gold, i swore would not be used for mercy. there was no mercy in my kingdom. no display of flesh or need. and now, i pretend to be pioneer of right and might and boundary dissolve. and this whole time you can all see i am no star of this film. i am the director of an extra.(hey kid, you're lucky to even be in this show, now go get me some coffee.) what are you daydreaming about? the army of you? your sweeping slashing tongue is no sword, coward. what would you do if you were in real danger, oh warrior of all that reflects light...
cruel sea guide me then. do not judge nor predict. just lower your swell and carry me home.