.sponsor me.

2002-08-09 - 2:23 p.m.

photo beauty gets her attention, then her eye paint's running down. she's got a rose in her teeth and a lampshade crown. one minute she's so happy, then she's crying on someone's knee, saying, laughing and crying, you know it's the same release.

for the record (which is redundant because online journals are, by definition, for the record), if you have an extra ounce of body fat or freckles, or any other kind of skin inconsistency, pleace do not come to this part of china. you will feel fat and flawed. all the women i know here eat twice what the women in SF eat, and they all, combined, could fit into one SF woman's pant leg. i am doing my best to not feel affected by this but it is tremendously hard. when i say people stare at me, they usually don't stare at me like wow, could this goddess actually be walking on the same planet as me. they look at me like what the hell is that. i am taller and wider and curlier, and blonder, and frecklier than ANYONE here. let me make things clear...in america, i am one of several devastatingly delicious dirty little bitches. i am not fat nor "flawed". but i do have insecurities. a LOT of 'em. so here...those insecurities live under the projected microscopic eye i place on hundreds of people a week. god give me strength. in beijing, there are many foreigners. i hate to say that that is appealing, but i am a sucker for diversity. i don't want my details and definitions to set me apart. i want to be swimming in a sea of embraced differences. i want to be revered for my soul and lost in my humanness. i must remember, i started in the most challenging area. if i can keep breathing, live purely, obsess over communicating, act with love above all else...i will be opening a nightclub in no time.

i love you like a freak-filled clown posse.

< yeah >