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2002-11-16 - 11:19 a.m.

of course i fall for the new guy. i am transparent and predictable, and yet still utterly addictive to some. in my mind, my parallel existence, i look intensely into his focus. i motion to bring him outside, away from witness and vulnerability. i am standing alone with him. we are laughing. we both feel it and that it is the purist drug. and even though i am convinced he is present, i am still conscious of mymovesmywitmycharmmydesirability. our heads move close as we begin to understand. he leans in to smell the side of my neck, brushing his cheek to advance. felines in a mating ritual. he slays me with intellect. a sucker for a well-formed mind, it drives me to well form his body. he refuses to kiss me and i am now virtually powerless. haven't i been here before? which do i really want more, him or his want? a message for you all, establish an answer to that. but i do. i want him. he is clever and opinionated. he is grounded and deliberate. i want that. he is suspending me in this duel until finally, he pushes his lips against mine. closed mouth. no movement. no twisting heads or slipping tongues. no hollywood hollow move. just still contact, portal to portal. eyes closed, skin to skin, i begin to dream i am falling through water. we do not move. i struggle with the urge to transform the space between our mouths but decide to let go. and now my mind's eye finds him on the horizon. in the movie of where our third eyes meet, we are tearing each other apart. we feel it simultaneously and return to our consciousness to become unstill. softslowbarelykisses. molecular coordinates. tastingbitingbarelymoving.

we can't speak. there is no language to follow. for this moment. i believe i am visibly rockedwreckedmoved, but i engage and return to reality. some reality.

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