.sponsor me.

2003-11-20 - 10:01 a.m.

i love northpoledancer. in fact, i am priveledged to love her. so step up or step off. we seem to talk more when i am on the other side of the world. like our associations with family need to be farther away. yes, family.

yesterday was cold and rainy but i am determined to not get sick. i am doing unbelievable well and i FIRMLY believe is is due to the lack of dairy. as in NO dairy, minus a cookie here or there. i don't care what the east or west have to say, i care about the wisdom of experience. for anyone out there in question, i will stand firm on my beliefs. but please write your local representatives about improving the technological advancement of soy cheese.

so npole and i are in similar places with men. but she is calling the shots and i am making the best of the shots called. i'm confused but not because i don't know what's right. i'm solar. i know exactly what's right. i just want something different and i have to create another good heart-head dialogue to arrive in the present as a whole. instead of responding to ted's behavior, i need to understand what it means for me. why this dynamic makes me feel rejected. where i'm really at emotionally. what i would be capable of if i were really to fall in love. do i really love myself enough yet? i mean, in so many ways, i still desperately require the approval of others. i still feel its extremity at times. and i don't want to bring that ego into a relationship. or i will become more reactive than active. i need a core that i can refer back to. a good core. one that absolves ego. one that offers love and clarity. one that has creative outlets. tolerance. vision. i need to be a whole self or i will subconsciously demand that my partner fill in the spaces. and if he or she does not, i will end up feeling rejected. and possibly deepening the spaces. so. ok. i'm learning too. i will get my life settled here. i will tell my brain to tell my heart that the universe is protecting our development. my heart will laugh in my brain's face. but my brain will remain steadfast and repeat itself. and my heart will call my brain a fascist. and my heart will be right. and my heart will say something like, "if you're such a dirty little bitch, where is your goddamned sense of FEELING? where is your raw and primal response to your cellular wisdom?" and my brain will think about that one for a minute. and my heart will shout out, "i want him to think i am the sexiest, most brilliant woman he has ever met! i want him to have his own life but feel enriched with me in it! i want him to find it difficult to keep his hands off of me! i want him to feel blessed that the universe has placed me on his path!" and my brain will think about this too. and my brain will say, compassionately, "i do too. i do too."

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