|2005-12-26 - 11:15 p.m.
"i believe this is heaven to no one else but me. and i'll defend it long as i can be left here to linger in silence. if i choose to, would you try to understand?"
i am holding so much tension in my body right now, i'm going to disintegrate from internal impact. you could pinch me and like a dehydrated marshmallow, i would crumble into dust. i thought getting stoned would help. but it's just helping me zone in on all of the parts of my body placing me under seige, starting with my brain. i'm not having an easy time in this world. and i'm not really blaming the world. in fact, i'm not. i'm just not so good at maintaining that staying-above-water feeling. and i keep looking to a distant horizon as if the next stage of my life will make sense. will have more balance. will be easier to sleep. oh sleep come to me. without broken cycles. without being startled awake by someone who is merely thinking about saying hush. without viewing sleep as laziness and missed opportunity. without having to witness daybreak. to just be able to sleep when it's time to sleep. maybe when i retire it will feel great to sleep in. and laze about the morning in a kimono holding a tall mug filled with jasmine lemongrass tea. i should probably tend to the lilies this morning, i'll think to myself, but for now, the tuesday paper awaits my fondling. will that ever be me? could my mind ever be so still, so satisfied, so quiet? i need not be told the future. i just need to keep going. do my best to just keep going and have some kind of faith that even if things still seem like too much, at least they'll be different things and i'll never stop learning.
anyone want to buy me a house in tuscany?