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2003-11-11 - 11:46 a.m.

boysick. yeah. and with fucking good reason. went to t's house last night to see his place. he might know of an available apartment in his unit. fucking cold. started on the couch. drinking tea. looking at all his fascinating things. boxes. books. rugs. hungarian folk music. talked about everything. wasn't feeling sexuality one way or the other. just feeling so comfortable. except for a killer headache that i'm guessing was due to the stress of being almost homeless. so when it got even colder, i sat on the bed. then under the covers. i kept hoping he might come under the covers with me but we were starving. we went to a little restaurant. little as in three tables. there are tons of places that are like big kitchens but you can't see the kitchen. we ate. he pointed out a waitress he was attracted to. huh. i wasn't sure if he was just trusting me or placing me immediately in a friend catagory. so i told him about the 18 year old. hey. it is a part of me somehow and my slight jealously triggered it. i didn't know i was like that. so subtle. so manipulative. so innocent. and he thought it was hot. he and i agreed what was not hot about it but he liked my comfort and aggression with strangers. whatever that might be worth. and we returned home. to a cold house. and he played me his music. hugely influenced by leonard cohen. dark and beautiful. and everytime i looked at him or listened to him, i could only see us in love in the future. he read me the heart sutra. a buddhist scripture translated from sanskrit that he had just about memorized in chinese. wanna make me swoon? recite a buddhist passage in a second language fluently. unbelievable. i wanted to be him. a good sign. i pictured him sitting in k-fly and shia's hous in vermont. how perfectly he found his place with us three. i imagined the jokes that would build between us. i pictured the four of us laughing. walking up a cold winter road after dinner. two siblings and their perfect mates. two couples as perfect mates. it was an awesome vision. and finally he climbed into bed with me. but only because that was what you do when there is no heat. and my brow was advertising the severity of my headache. so he placed his hands on my head and we began to touch. still medicinal. so slightly suggestive but keeping clarity. and i touched his shoulders. and kept my eyes closed. i must have been dreaming. this was the bot. the boy who i had manifested from a magazine. the boy who reached around my soul and just held me there. and it felt better than sex. it felt present. and then we kind of cuddled and he turned around laughing. he was so funny and awkward all of a sudden. and he asked if we were feeling the same thing. so we talked about it. all of it. where we were at in relationships. being attracted to each other. not wanting to distort anything. so i told him, so far, it was the most intimate i had been in a long time. and we had only been touching heads and hands. that we could fall asleep kissing and decide the next time what felt right. but then we started kissing. and it progressed, as it does. but i stopped him. "i only want you to be in my body if it's love. i want you to want to be in me because you need to go deeper into me. and he smiled and he retracted slightly. and he agreed. but we both wanted the comfort of each other so badly. and we didn't know how to stop. and he did want the deepness of me. and i did want the depth of him. and we made love in the eve and in the morning. and the rest i do not know.

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