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2002-11-07 - 2:53 p.m.

oh beautiful heavy day. how low you were situated in the atmosphere today. waking up before sunrise, i could hear the final act of a rainy night performance. november rains have begun. by the time i left my house, the light had just begun to grow, and the downfall had ceased. it was almost balmy. startribe called. for the next two hours, loving cell phones for this, he talked me through my bus ride and my study cramming. i was in a bubble of conversation, doing all else mechanically. startribe is my ex-husband. and it never fails. we start to talk about our lives and we always end up talking about us. it hurt. it felt like we were in a vacuum. it was strange and timeless and an atypical sad. truly. it was gentle and melancholic and this is how i ended it. we have come away from our past to heal. but the understanding of the other is frozen in time. without the contact and space of every day to grow up together and witness who it is we really loved, we are living in a place of theoretical understanding. we are both so wounded. i tried to explain this and i know he understands. i think it is just so hard for us to accept the fact that anyone could hate us. least of all us.

i didn't do well on my exam.

my body was cradled in a warm blanket of hollowness and memory. and the winds felt almost tropical. was i still dreaming? sigur ros played on my headphones and if you tapped me on my shoulder, i might have drowned my cheeks with tears. not tears of sadness, though. the weather made it feel like a storm was coming. like the circus would roll in with a hurricane. but the circus was inside me and somehow, it was both sedating and disconcerting.

i stayed on campus and buried myself in music.


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