|2003-11-14 - 7:35 p.m.
kitty bukkake kicks ass. i was in homelessness hell and my friend julie saved me. i came to stay with her for a few days. when i arrived here yesterday she said, "oh yeah, i've had this letter for you for ages." and it was a postcard and book from little miss kitty. that rocks so hard.
so i was at the italian embassy last night, avoiding boy, creating space and boundaries. i just felt too dependent on his feelings for me. i needed to find a home and get centered before i start a relationship. as much as i want one, they can be quite consuming. the movie was about to start and boy called. i was psyched. i felt like i kept manulating things in my head in the time that we were apart. like i had to prove to him i was busy and independent. i'm cool. i'm cool. and it felt weird and wrong. so when he called me i had a strange rush of you called me, so i won that round. whoa solar. what's up with THAT dynamic. so i left the movie early because it sucked. i walked to his house and the truth of the matter is, i was so happy to see him. i was living in all these head games in a 48-hour space. still, i didn't know why. so we hung out and talked a lot. he and i both agreed we'd felt strange. he made it pretty clear he was not ready for a relationship. i half lied because i really do believe i should wait. but i lied because i felt rejected and needy. and he talked some more. too much about other women. all of a sudden and i realized he had done that before. ah, to keep distance. remember what i wrote about his waitress comment? my instincts were right. i started feeling(inside my head) like, wow. this guy is a jerk. i mean, he's amazing. but i feel like i'm here to keep him company. like this is his movie i'm in, not our movie. man, that's what it is. he's really selfish. fuck, now i get it. so i stopped him mid sentence. i had been there almost a half hour already, maybe more. and i told him. all of it. everything before in italics. but i said it in CAPITALS. and i said, "you know. to be honest, i know you like me enough to want me here, but i don't really know what that means. seriously, i have NO IDEA what you think about me. and you listen but you are unresponsive. i get it. i get why i've been feeling so fucked up. someone at this stage of even a friendship with me, should be in reverence mode." and he was speechless for a minute. and he was so innocently awkward but he wanted to keep going. he knew. deep down inside, he knew it all. he was instantly humbled. in a subtle way, he looked like he was off the hook. it was an amazing shift in the room. it was the safest i had felt with him so far. in a weird way, i think it was the safest he had felt. and he's buddhist so my level of consciousness was confrontational. we decided to go get a bottle of whisky. it was getting deeper fast. this was my territory. human interaction. the mind. the soul. why we do what we do. our fears and desires. i can do this shit in my sleep. and he DID revere. he was humiliated that the conversation became even more about him the deeper we went. but it made sense. and it wasn't about him anymore. it was about what a gift i was. it was about how instantly we trusted each other to go there. and we came home drinking jameson's straight from the bottle as we strolled through the beijing streets. we got home and the air was lighter. we had sex but i got drunk too fast and forgot so when we woke up, we had sex again. then he spent the whole day with me apartment hunting and being my heroic translator. i could not have done it as brilliantly without him. and i found a place! it's fucking pimp. so much cheaper than what's out there. people are really going to be surprised when they come over. i haven't had my own home since last december. do you even know what that does to you? and he and i got scouted on the street to be in a commercial. two days work pays one month's rent. yes! then we had a delicious spicy meal because my stomach is better for now. a $2.00 meal. i love china! i love china! ok must get off line to work. writing another article about www.paw.org.cn. check it out. it's fucking great. jesus, what a day.