if only it weren't so grey today, i might not have disappeared. my hands are leathery and my eyes bloodshot. you would think i've been sleeping on couches and picking up scraps. have i? who are you and how did you find me here? who told you? what do you want from me? say it. say it already, goddamnit. i told you everything. i showed you the strings and smoke. i drew you the whole picture. i called for pick up. and you still think it is beautiful. you think there are witnesses to your divine gestures. why wouldn't it be easier. i took the tip of my pen and bled a fountain of understanding into the seams and streams that divided your skin from memory. it was beautiful. it was a whisper in the ravine before study hall. it was the walk across plush lawns barefoot. it was a hole in the sky you could fall through. and i always caught you. it was the sweat that dripped off of your brow on to my lip as you held yourself strained above me. it was knowing your restraints were releases. what do you think of it now? now that i became fear and kinetic. knowing the mirror i held up was already splintered. and there are a million reflections of your divided pretty little self scattered under my feet. i don't understand anything. it is all so beautiful and sad. i am alive and breathing and every choice is mine. i want you. i want to hear what you have to say. yes i know. i know. you could have been anybody. that is poetic and pathetic. i offer you the universe for an appetizer. you are as much god as i. do something with your pressing power. bless me. help me to become blind again. i keep asking. i do. but i loved loving you. i was so good at it, whoever you are. i loved taking you inside of me. i watched you all of the time. i understood at least that much. i understood motion and senses. i understood sleeping to dream. my strange angels with angles of destruction. everything is going to be just fine.

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