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2004-01-13 - 1:41 a.m.

i wanted a third language. tea house boy man came over tonight. the dialogue was broken and difficult but we were quite relaxed. comfortable physically. just tongue-tied. i had been watching "party monster" before he arrived. so he just pressed play. it was really intense for me.

i still have yet to see the party monster documentary. i fear i will know every fifth person in it. although i was never friends with the disco 2000 core, i was existing in an almost parallel universe rather closely entwined. for example, i was sleeping with the older sister of keoki's girlfriend. his girlfriend was working at antique boutique where we all overlapped at one point. we were all living on thompson st, falling into k-holes for sport. i was the oldest in the household. i only graced their lives for a few weeks before i moved to san francisco. i had been a part of the sound factory crew for several years leading up to it's end. disco 2000 was seedy and young, the soundfactory was heaven on earth. but somehow, i lost my way. i ended up suspended in the middle of children. children doing drugs. children playing house. hungry empty children feeding off the gossip of michael and angel. the gossip of the limelight. children flying, falling, and pretending to play god. i remember one night, after picking up multiple viles marked "k" and "c" at the chelsea hotel, the six of us now living together headed straight home. we took k and played dead can dance while i rambled something about higher purpose as my family and i slipped into an unconscious circle on the living room floor. when we awoke in the morning, there was frantic talk about how michael had come by to get some of his shit. and he was freaking out and splitting town. and they asked me if i knew angel. i had seen him. only once. i wore little black wings and he wore big white ones. that's the only reason i remembered. lot's of people wore wings in those days. but that morning we learned about his grusome end. and i knew immediately, my time in that house had come to an end. and my soul wept upon reckognizing it's position in the cosmos.

so back in my little world in beijing with gorgeous chinese man on my couch, it was confusing, to say the least. i needed to cry for lots of different reasons but i just switched modes. solar, i said to myself, not everything has to be about you. just watch the fucking movie. and i was tired so i told boy to leave. and i kissed him goodnight. and boy engines revved too hard. and we were on my bed. his pants were off in seconds. i didn't know how to stop him without feeling like a tease. because i had NO WORDS. i tried. things like, be patient and i want to know you better but all he heard was no while i kissed him like yes. ain't that always the way? and he felt like a teenager above me. all ON and no there. and there was only ON or GO. so he left. there was a moment where i wan't sure how far he would push it. but now i know. so we squeezed out enough admiration to do this again. and tommorrow, he will learn the english words, patience, fooling around, and possibly, plutonic.

my emotions ran the fucking spectrum tonight.

< yeah >