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2002-12-16 - 1:56 p.m.

i used to live on the top floor of a big house inhabited by a band called prozac. i was 19. the only stability i had at the time was varsity rowing, road trips with julia and telly, and dustin. he was 25. i worshipped him. he loved my brain. he played guitar. he kept beer in a mini fridge in his room. i remember him saying to me one night on the front steps, one day, maybe even ten years from now, you and i are going to have so much to tell each other. it's been exactly ten.

this house incubated a certain death for me. i was tortured with my own thoughts and isolated angst. a brooding love was far away in portland, battling demons with bibles and barbed wire crowns. i used to come home to my christmas lit room and play dead can dance, this mortal coil, cocteau twins. heaven or las vegas became the soundtrack to my paralysis. i wrote pages and pages of journal entries, actual books, that felt like a list of incoherent pleas. at work last night, playing that same cd for the first time in ages, i felt exactly the same. it is how i feel right this second. am i dying.

this was dated 10.18.92. hurt help sound pain pull down say help push hell fall seek ground. seek hard need empty cloth edge water gives hand full tear tell blade wrap smooth bleed blue. blue blue blue red blue blue blue blue. she pulse be still words know not but coals burn wounds pins deep so still sits girl head handed in palm falls curl rolls wet sniffs high brow gut. pain blue pain sits girl tries high falls low ember melt life flow. thinks row but whole fills no with cuts blade hold fire then hole time spills girl. poor girl. truth tune faith scares song hurt boy fools none fear pain. blue pain. light will give bone more fist. dream not blue black hold tense chill melt flesh coal nail. pain piece tries girl wet cheek sleep so quite not yet boy more soft slide baby. can't deal joke angel dead girl. poor girl. hint small seek deep girl choice alone. alone blue. wound womb through fall hard so high taste slow wet drug. no in through door no more spring soar let spill poor girl. project pain wrap wrist reach call loud subtle drops yell wrong to some but fall will come and lip touch is short thrill december. the is not hard but breath she tries and holds still eyes fill eyes red but needs blue. breeze carry death so none remember girl. life wise where girl runs despise much flood guns speak girl motion off edge. same rise risk fear dark feel sink need much breathe not but try. but try. blue sea. but try blue girl. this pass to stay is busy the odd will alure bug surface to move to slide so tough but girl smooth big tear. blue tear. hard life waits she pull time narrow warm cover under soft thigh stroke slow boy hurts girl fills head easy stop so slip strange part that none so much love but cool. like blue cool girl.

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