.sponsor me.

2003-04-16 - 7:55 a.m.

it was brought on by yoga. yoga in chinese. i strained to be guided by bodies reflected in the mirror while also attempting to absorb relevant new words. that must mean breathe. that must mean release. the class lasted only an hour, but i had already run that morning and i was beat.

julie and i sat opposite each other in the red-lined booth of a trendy taiwanese restaurant. i could feel fatigue and hunger beginning to hit me. we ordered a starter and waited for her friend to join us. i began to feel warm combined with slightly swollen glands. the exhaustion turned into weakness and i began to tune out my company, as they were speaking only in chinese anyway. i came to china with two pre-existing health conditions that become triggered by any sort of immune deficiency. what seems to be an esophagus burning combined with a slightly fractured breast plate. and usually i wake up winded. it is a bit scary and i plan to deal with it at some point. so now, as i am tuning out, i feel the pain in my chest combined with a slowly creeping fever and i begin the SARS checklist in my head. fever, check. shortness of breath, check. lung issues, check. and swollen glands to boot. lucky for me, anxiety attacks are only triggered by health problems. anxiety attack, check. all this is happening in silence until julieís friend turns to me and says, in chinese, wow, your face is really red. at this point, i am really panicky. there is a knot know in my chest that is exacerbating any slight symptom and i am sure i am creating a few. but i know i am not creating the fever so i am really freaking out. julie helps me remain calm and i take some of her advil. by now, i am only feeling itís slow progress and more concerned about later, when i will be home alone, without support or distraction. this totally sucks i tell them. regardless of SARS, i am so over being sick. but now i canít just get sick without thinking of the rapid progession of a viral attack. and i already know my immune system is low. julieís friend gives me the hospital and clinic numbers just in case. we all jump in to different taxiís and when i get home i take some more advil. i try to relax but the anxiety keeps winning and the symptoms increase. i am having an inner battle- itís SARS, itís the anxiety, itís SARS, itís the anxiety. just relax solar, you are OK. i donít know which is worse and i lay in bed panicky and feverish for the next 5 hours. 5 hours of hell and all i can think of is getting on a plane to new york, where i will definitely be quarantined. finally i fall asleep. in the morning, i feel like shit, but the low fever has diminished and no cough has begun. i call the doctor and we both agree, iím just sick. i get back into bed taking two of the most peaceful naps i have ever had. well, at least in this chapter.

that was three nights ago. i am almost better. i had to go into work today and my hands were shaking quite a bit. but as the day progressed, the shaking diminished. and i took a taxi home with a driver who picked his nose and coughed on my money.

dear god, i hope you got the letter and
i pray you can make it better down hereÖ

< yeah >