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2004-12-11 - 2:11 p.m.

went to payless and bought vegan shoes. i LOVE wearing no leather. it makes me feel like a real vegan. not just a food nazi.

so the ben thing. yeah. um. well. can't deal. really, i shouldn't be with someone i am resisting from the beginning. in 3 weeks we fell so hard for each other and yet...i just don't feel the way he does. i am in love with our love. and i really needed to be loved like this. it's been years. but this is his first chance to know how we are supposed to love each other in this world. and if i stop it now, it will be the door to a new world for him. and if i don't stop it now, it will be painful and messy eventually. i think i am being responsible. and self-protective. i'm sad and scared because i am afraid i will never love like this and know how to make it stay. or want it to. and because i have been single for so long, and most of my life really, it is like the magnet i can easily snap back to. love deep hard fast. and release deep hard fast. i need slow safe steady. i need medium grey calm.

i'm letting ben go i think. and i'm really sad.

and speaking of magnet, you should really be listening to that band.

< yeah >