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2002-12-05 - 3:11 p.m.

movement for flesh machines


i knew i had released something from beyond me. i left my house that night in search of safety, left my home in search of shelter. how strange to know the ways of wandering like gypsy girls had seduced me to roam and spread the disease of empty cavities and silken blindfolds that reveal tarnished halos and broken sandals with worn soles and holes of holy feats and streets of nothing i could equate with. so was i looking for you when i found you in the back of some industrial projection. i sent you my eyes for your protection. i watched the music creep from the corner of the white wall slowly swiping your face with its visual rhythms. i don't remember how i found this room with you in it. pressed against the wall letting magic happen above you, beyond you. i saw that henry rollins fear and strength in your kind smile and black tee shirt. i could have kept you right then. i pushed you away from all the others who wanted you to want their equations. i pulled you in to my desire and made you exactly who i wanted you to be. for both of us.
i knew better then.


i was floating through a timeless sea i was just looking up at the palm trees towering over my insignificant peace. i wonder if you had even lived for a second on the freeway that lay between our intentional gaze. those days. we all thought we could be something monumental. we would carve our names in the weathered flesh of the x generational exoskeleton. i held each and every breath you took in the deformed void of my wounded heart. i drove for miles on that freeway, between you and me. i pretended i was the astronaut. i have come to take you away. to fly without gravity. and i am your only heroine addiction. i am sore and soaring with broken wings and strings and things we used to believe existed. we pretended juice was coffee and i was a grown-up and you were my customer. play money and love, fake caffiene buzz. i was the mother and it was enough. it just changed so fast but not at all and you feel all and it hurt to see you hurt so. and i can't believe i'm not saving you so you could come to save me. i sacraficed a rib and hid my fear and rank and tried to bear the weight of hollow space between us. if only you knew. and if you could see me here just floating in a timeless sea of you. if you could just be me here floating in a timeless sea of you.


i think maybe you love so deeply that you are beyond me. i was so blind and scared but there was no way i'd let you lose sight. so i placed my fears upon you and warned you and you knew you could be happy. but i am not one of your skinny prizes. who you paint the scene with, who you plant seeds of envy with, who you think is darwinesque in your pretty little survival. i am not going to subtract from anything. i am the real in your movie. i am the form of warm desire of fire and home and tower of hope and stellar develop. i will not unmake your wholeness. i will stretch the essence of aliveness here with you in perfect embrace.


this was the part that pretended to matter more. how the death of things somehow could uncover the earth in all of its evolution. i could breath again. i could reach inside where sin resided and choke back my 27th tear and teach it how to find the sea. by now, you knew the picture on my thursday underwear like i knew the scent deep inside the creases of your unbelievable temple. and i prayed to revere you and take you and leave you to make this sacred. and it was and is. and it could be the folded leg dialogue of vibration and temperature that we practiced on hillsides at sunsets in dreamscapes. and its language rewrote our infinite spiraling ascension over and over until it became our very breath and life. and through me you could enter the everything. if only you knew.

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