where is this all heading. all these cocktails and dinners. all these lessons and exchanges. all these miles run and temple grounds tread on. all these people. all these fucking people. with these dialogues about dreams and schemes and themes. i don't need to tell you anymore. you could not possibly give me any less. what is all this life work for? to learn where to plant seeds? i am having a very hard time understanding anything right now. i am buying small sections of time and using that time to find a way to buy more time. i am not living. and yet, i just completed making a piece of music that moves me to a place of beauty. true beauty. and *i* made it. and this i don't understand.

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