i used to have the belief that an extraordinary life was a choice. but i don't know what choice means anymore. my choices have been defined by who i am. so they weren't really choices. they were required to further who i am. i did not choose my sexuality. my sexuality resulted from a powerless, voiceless youth. i didn't choose to skydive. i was compelled to push myself to a place beyond fear because i had previously walked only in fear. i didn't choose to move thousands of miles away from everything i've built and loved. my need for perspective and desperation for a balanced survival did. we think we have choice and free will. but we are only as free as the reality we have defined for ourselves. until china, my life has been a counter revolution, choosing to NOT be defined by any systems i had known in the past. but my choices will continue to be defined by the construct of the person i want to be. that is only freedom in the literal sense. i am in no metal cage, but i am often caged. i am not oppressed by any government, but i am aggressively oppressed by cultural and self-expectations. maybe it is only the truly free that have the luxury to debate the essence, the existential nuance of freedom. i respect that little detail. but then i am of that minority. and i am telling you, we are not free.

< yeah >