i wish i still paid for a gold membership. then i'd post photos of my crazy life and i wouldn't have to write. oh wait, i love writing. so why the hell haven't i been writing. i even have 4 different blog locations and nothing.

well, tron and i are best friends again. he wouldn't talk to me for 2 years in order to heal. then i moved to china and NY. needless to say, i've missed him tremendously. my life is a better place with him in it. and he is helping me keep my shit together. we finished the beta version of my website. finally. and he has me designing stuff for him. i think he's really just letting me do it to get back in a groove. we swap massage and have sleepovers and he plays me the fucking amazing music he's been blowing me off to make. i forgive him completely in those moments. but we are JUST friends. he is drawing a clear line. i test the line every now and then and he doesn't even budge. h e says what we have is too improtant and complicated. he's the boss.

as for my slutting around, hmm. had a fucking wild halloween weekend. i actually (intentionally) sat on my lover's erection in a hot tub...surrounded by my friends. and none of them knew. only for a second though, i didn't think that was fair to anyone else.

i have a beautiful friend visiting from NY in 2 weeks. we had never been sexual before, but somehow our emails have escalated and he is coming to drink champagne and eat dark chocolate with me. his mother tongue is french. it should be ridiculously sexy. too bad i can't get stoned with him. he comes the week i leave for the honolulu marathon. so i need to stay clean, strong and focused.

i just ran a marathon this past saturday. it was incredible. i felt really good. my 23 mile training run was brutal after mile 18. but i must have prepared better for the 26 miler. it was perfect. they even had us run over the golden gate bridge and back. cross THAT off my list. just kidding, there's no list. i already got married, jumped out of a few planes, lived in a shithole in china, posted myself naked on the internet...i think my non-list is doing fine. i lied. i didn't post naked pictures, i emailed them to 3 people i've not yet met in person. close enough.

after the frenchman leaves, i will try a bout of celibacy again. i'll be working soon, so i can really focus on that. i'll want to.

i still don't know if being alive is worth it, but tonight was a great reason if any.

the flock at flock.

so tonight in the civic center, while listening to people speak in honor of michael christian's piece, i looked around at all of the faces in the crowd. it was grand but intimate. it was historical but it was just another night. i have never lived in another city where the community was quite like this. not only creative, vocal, active, supportive, insprational...but the sheer size of it. there is a city within the city that is us. this community. there is a heirarchy, there are doers, there are sages, there are enthusiasts. but every one is entitled to be any role by just becoming it. we are a stream that is a-flowing. a life source. and people come together to drink from it. and oh how we do.

it's flocking beautiful.

< yeah >