|2003-01-02 - 8:01 a.m.
i am down in palos verdes. go look at a map of l.a. county. the peninsula that juts out just south of the south bay is palos verdes. a lot has happened here for me since i met gg. both good and awful. we took a 420 stroll along the cliffs by her house. we process everything together. never too much though. i have had a really disturbing week. i am in l.a. without a car or a partner, without any grounding or alliance. without a home in san francisco. i am in a position i despise. i am dependent. but the needs i have are different than the things being offered to me. so i need to change that. my relationship with k-fly is too loaded. no matter how far we've come, i still feel worse about who i am with her even if i feel better about who we are. that is a strage realization that i need to understand. i would rather feel good about myself. so i need to go away from her. i confront the same personality demons with other people, i do the same amount of self work, i make the same amount of mistakes, i project the same amount of my own bullshit on the rest of the world, i just don't feel worthless with other people. i am not holding her responsible for that. i am reckognizing it and moving away from her in order to understand it. she'll have to understand. i have no loyalty to blood in terms of relationship. NONE WHATSOEVER. i would defend and protect my blood family's life before my own. but i would expel them from my own life in a heartbeat. this has been an awful week in many ways and i would like to look back at this time very soon and rise above it. i feel dirty and sad. i feel wounded and misunderstood.
as soon as i get home i am attacking kj and we are going to take on our lives together. thank goddess for her.