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2004-12-29 - 9:55 p.m.

no sparkly chistmas eve. no excited christmas morning. no boxes to open. no ponies. no maple candy and bonnebelle dr. pepper chapstick to fall out of stockings. no anticipation. no disappointment. no screaming. just me. riding the fever wave. making cd mixes and sleeves. for one person only. holding court, i stayed in my tiny palace with no suitors until last night. first was my prince-of-the-moment coming to see me after being kept away for days. and reuniting sex is like break-up sex in that each thrust counts twice. once for how good it feels and once for being reminded of how good it wasn't feeling. does that make me less confused about the prince? uh, not. he continues to gently yet solidly navigate our ship forward as i desperately attempt to backpedal. although, i keep saying things like, i love you. and, i missed you. and, don't leave. some backpedalling. and our romantic stay at a bed and breakfast has just been upgraded to a master suite due to some pipe damage. 4 days in cozy seclusion making love whenever we want.

yeah, that won't make me more confused.

and tuesday i'll be back in sf for a few days where i feel like i should sleep with someone else just to sabotage this, to alleviate the burden of decision-making. but i won't. i'm just saying i should.

i'm just saying.

< yeah >