|2004-09-13 - 11:15 a.m.
as soon as i landed in california and saw the face of my kj, i knew colossal heartbreak would be in store. i was wrong. colossal doesn't even begin to describe the depth. my heart had so clearly been in san francisco all this time.
if my ego(soul?) was a big fat cock, burning man was the best blowjob this side of the mississippi. people crawled out of the woodworks, almost literally, to embrace my return. i was infused with loverespectadmirationapreciation. and it was mutual. i was even reckognized by someone on friendster who said i had more friends than anybody. which is irrelevant. i worked hard to make real, intimate connections because i need them. not because i'm cool. believe me, it took seven years to build this life. this family. this trust.
so the boys. uh, yeah. it was a very busy week. many make-out partners but only two for sex. all of it was very free and in the moment. drive-by make-outs. on art cars, over flame-throwers, at dinner parties behind doors, in cages, on stages at the deep end, in the produce section, on school buses, at tesla coil demonstrations, in tents. intense.
and then he showed up. after believing he wouldn't. no way in hell. well hell was heaven. he showed up and we hadn't seen each other in a year. we were inseperable the whole day. we couldn't stop hugging and holding hands. "Rebuilding The Best : Day One." while 99.9% of me experienced pure bliss at our perfection together, 0.1% was very confused. why just friends. where did we go wrong. but i let that go. what i could not let go of was how one hand held by tron wiped out everything else. and that was all we had. one day.
back in SF, i had time to take it all in. i felt worked. spread thin but strong enough for it. and yes, i felt totally and completely heartbroken, because i am in love with everything. and sometimes it's just too big for one small girl.