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2005-01-25 - 9:41 a.m.

a lot of people i read in here have been talking about self-censorship based on increasing exposure. when i look back into my journal, i think the same thing has happened to me in terms of sexuality. i barely write explicit sexual scenes anymore. and i'm finally getting some on a regular basis. the irony. maybe that's because siblings and ex's now read this. but even if i can ask them not to, it's still out there. and i still want siblings connected to the rest of me. oh the conundrum. i just chastized ben for using the word conundrum. i told him unless it was on paper or in a lecture, it sounded pretentious. it's just a bad speaking word. other words feel more homogenous with the rest of our language. he may not agree.

last night M and i were laughing and saying diaynu which in hebrew means "it would have been enough." which is such a great example of our martyrdom. if god had led us out of the desert, diaynu. if god had only given us manna, diaynu. [said in a jewish accent] you know, if god had even just said hi, diaynu. if god had only talked about us to other people, diaynu.

if i had self love, diaynu.

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