there is a new posse in town. one that includes a dyke, a clown, a punk, a parisian, a travel agent, and myself (you can pick the title). we went out for mexican food. food for them, a pitcher of margaritas for me. travel agent, a.k.a. israeli lover we'll call troy, was being discreet, a.k.a. non-sexual and not much fun. he was tired from non-stop traveling and lack of sleep due to ravishing yours truly. so i let it slide and focused on the group as a whole. we were hilarious and drunk and decided to go dance at vics. we moved to the center of the crowded floor and started grinding and grinning, flailing and shaking some serious ass. you would think that would have been enough. right about then i noticed a strikingly sexy young man. looking a little too much like a member of a danish boy-band, but still ridiculously gorgeous. my sister hates when i fall for this type. it is not the aryan part i want. it is the boy part. so the danish and i see each other thru the crowd. it is body to body and i slink away from the posse over to him. i am immediately touching him but troy is about 20 bodies away. and i am fully aware of what an asshole i am. i grabbed him and slipped off the dance floor to the bathroom hallway. we start groping each other and kissing. i could no longer think at this point and the tequila and hormone OD were now drag racing in my cerebral cortex. i was in a sea of want. he pulled me into the men's room and it was way cooler than i expect. it was like a mini club where men pee without stalls into dimly lit troughs. but no other men were present. i held him from behind as he unzipped his pants to piss. the attendant came back to kick me out but we kept him off long enough to continue kissing. in a momentary lapse, i realize the scene. i am in the where? so we ran out of the club into the parking lot which was partially skate ramps and small half-pipes. i spent about 10 minutes out of control. tugging at this plaything. having stupid dialogue about how anyone can just fuck. i want MORE. and i definitely didn't want more dialogue. i wanted to be in the moment for just 12 more moments. but i took his number anyway. i told him i wanted to return to my lover and posse. and could you please be discreet? discreet: used twice in one night. but i didn't think i got away with anything. i felt guilty. so when i returned, i focused so much attention on troy that the wall melted and he opened up. the danish came over and introduced himself to everyone. i stayed closed to troy but the floor was so packed, i was touching them both at once. it was such a confusing space. i was so turned on but felt the guilt of disrespecting troy. if he had done the same to me, it would not have felt good. no, it would have felt bad. and i do not blame tequila. i do not blame. the rest of the posse left and troy and i were alone. he had felt enough of the danish's energy to become almost territorial in a very honest an innocent way. his openness let me put my energy into him and then we had so much fun acting out our desire immersed in chinese arms, and hands, and sweaty bodies. we felt really close. we went outside for air and sat the same place the danish and i had just been. so he asked me what the danish had wanted. i told him he wanted to fuck me and took me outside to find out. i did not explain the bathroom scene or the half-pipe. troy pulled me down on his lap and finally surrendered, kissing me and holding me. he was leaving in the morning, 6 hours later, and only comes to beijing about every 5 weeks. so it was a goodbye as well. i felt sexy and comfortable. and although i felt guilty, i knew the truth was, my head was with the right person, but my body needed a little adoration. the men were polar opposites. one was tall, dark, kind, mature, intelligent, slightly sexy. the other was ON, open, active, light, young, fuh-king hot, and seemingly limited. neither of them gave me exactly what i wanted. or let me give them what i wanted. but troy seemed to give me what later i realized i needed.

dear universe, must i keep returning to the lab?

< yeah >