.sponsor me.

2004-04-30 - 5:45 p.m.

i can't remember how to distribute emotion at this moment. i have had the most intense morning. i will not get fancy with words. my sister called me and told me my father has a mass on his esophagus. i spoke to my father and he is 99.9% sure it is cancer. i supported and lectured in equal amounts. for which i apologized. i told him something my sister wished she had told herself. in a meditative state, created a dialogue with your body, preparing it for invasion. visualize the WHOLE process. give the mass a color. and see it GETTING OUT. and quit smoking you idiot. i know the nature of addiction. but i also know the nature of enabling and i told him if he lights up once after the surgery, i will not be there for him. at first. i have to figure out a way to deal with this.

[meanwhile, during all this information input]

tron and i get into the most in-depth relationship analysis we've ever had. and we're both crying. because we were sick and sad and so in love. and it's been years since we've been allowed to speak. and we are so in love as people. and the river is gushing.

dad. tron. i am FREAKING OUT.

< yeah >