|2003-12-05 - 12:03 a.m.
so i've been all fucked up and torn up. isn't that what people do? create substance when they need some? i am so transparent it pains me. but i've been freaking out. and losing sleep. and when i'm on the treadmill or cycle, turin brakes is screaming, "i let somebody get under my skin" and i feel like such a byproduct.
i woke up at 3am and got online. and i was creating an ulcer i was so tweaked. all this becuase of the boy? what the fuck is going on? so i emailed him. stuff like, " i feel like i'm in the aftermath of a novelty that wore off very quickly..." and i went back to sleep. woke up and went to the gym, intentionally leaving my phone at home. when i got back there were two messages from him. saying things like, " i feel uncomfortable having been away from you for so long," and " i want to come over." had he read my letter yet? no... huh. so i told him to get online first and then he could come over. he knew i was fucking serious. but he didn't have his computer so he came over anyway. and i felt unattatched. i felt something else. and i laid into him without feeling self-righteous. it was crazy. he cried. pretty hard. and i didn't care about being too sensitive. i told him everything that was pissing me off. and he really cried. and he couldn't imagine how fucked up he must be if i couldn't even tell how amazing he thought i was. it was weird. i am scared. i don't want to carry the weight of this. but we keep committing to follow through. and he knows, if he continues to let me down, it will be the end. he knows. so what. i don't know. i just needed to hear the words of my value. so my ego could tell my heart we are still in the game. we are special. we are going to be the "one who understands," the "one who wont abandon." are we? how many cycles will i allow like this? where it feels awful for a week then we have a break down and it feels amazing. wash rinse repeat. but there is a catch. beyond sex, i do love him.