if it were one year ago, i would have been arrested for bringing a child home last night. a boy. 18 years old. but that's not the fucked up part. i brought him home because i wanted someone else. so check this out...

i was sitting in a cafe reading an article about an american who went into the mountains to study buddhism with monks. they led him to a master and he stayed there for 4 months and made a documentary about it. i was so drawn to this man. i felt overwhelmed and compelled to contact him. they printed his mobile number. everyone uses text messaging here. it is practically free. but i hesitated, thinking lots of people had contacted him already. so i went back to writing and waited for my friend j to arrive. and when she did, a mere 30 minutes later, she had a friend with her. and if it isn't already perfectly clear...it was him. i was instantly filled with calm and light. i could not get over it. neither could they. i know beijing is like that within the foreign community but this was too specific, even for us. we began immediately. we couldn't stop talking. we just kept getting more engaged in the process of each other. i think j picked up on it and left us alone at the restaurant. we laughed a lot. and connected. and played with our phones. it was so fucking nice to feel that way again. and i was headed to a bar to see another friend perform. and of course, he was going to see the same friend. we were really psyched. we were both soothed and positive and exactly where we needed to be on this planet right now. and his film, jesus. it sounds so beautiful. he's going to finish it and release it in the states. hey. i can feel this way as many times as i want to. it's who i am.

he went home earlier than we did and we moved to another bar. and that is the fucked up part. a beautiful english boy was sitting there, a little drunk, and we flirted from the minute i walked in. he had to convince me to take him home. he was charming and sexy and bright. so i did take him home and did NOT have sex with him. not that i care about age, but within reason. i think the english boy has an amazing life in front of him. he lost his father as a child and it forced him to mature. he is on his way to indonesia and then the US. i know in ten years, we will embrace and smile about how insignifican our 12 year separation is. but not yet.

now my heart is with the film-maker.

< yeah >